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Online (2013)

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Morgan Ayres & Esseri Holmes are cheating spouses in Online (2013).

At a glance:
Would you cheat on a wife as hot as Kelsey Sanders?
Temptation is just one click away, so reads the tagline for the unimaginatively titled and non-SEO-friendly Online (2013) -- brought to you by the producer of What Would Jesus Do? (2010) through the distributor Slingshot Pictures, who only do faith-based titles and whose goal is to "acquire films that have strong family values, messages of hope and are life affirming as well as spiritually enriching." Consider it due notice then, that you're readin a review on a Christian-themed feature film about temptation and infidelity on a movie blog with as many sex ads as mine. Anyway, it does look like a determined bunch of middle-class Republicans got together and shot this peculiar flick, leadin to a final product that I'll concede as technically accomplished and deservin of a place on any DVD shelf -- even if the content is terribly and laughably guilty at preachin to the choir. It starts with a pointless openin credit sequence in an Italian restaurant kitchen (what does pizza-makin achieve in mise-en-scène?), after which we're introduced to our slightly giddy leadin man John (Morgan Ayres), a happily married, newly promoted, all-round clean cut, son of a preacher man. Late one night, our upright Christian crusader turns online outlaw when he decides to join a social networkin site that reconnects him with his high school flame, Adrianna (Esseri Holmes). All it takes is one extramarital kiss and bam! Little Johnny starts shakin like a leaf, worryin about his neglected wife (Kelsey Sanders), his new job, his towerin father, the risen God -- you know, all that stuff.
Bad news on the doorstep:
The Interweb - where many a virtual sin is committed !
Secular sentiments aside, this movie really tests you with some ludicrous events and character decisions -- and I'm not referrin to people breakin into prayer. The crux of the story is the Ninth Commandment and how it's a sin to lust for another, even in your heart. On the strength of the movie title, it had the golden chance to discuss relationships in the age of technology and social networkin, which is why I endured it. However, confined to operate within its narrow, self-defined framework, we see no sex, no lust and no real reflection on anyone's part, unless you think the match cuts where our estranged couple eats separately count. Nobody even swears in this movie, not that it's a definitive measure of realism. All the characters are unlikeable, weak, two-dimensional and grossly unreal. An easy example is how the wife played by Kelsey Sanders is hotter, sexier and much more temptin than the supposed temptress played by Esseri Holmes.
Perennial wonderment:
Looking for a bit on the side...
from a pastor's son?
Which church or congregation produced this I wonder? I think the director, filmmaker Kevan Otto is an ex-cop or somethin. It's not a cheap production, you know. Although mostly indoors with some slipshod camerawork and editin, they had some pretty elaborate sequences. Anyway, can someone explain to me why all the promo keyart and visuals do not feature billings for the three main casts? I can't even see their names in the small print. Is it because they're not part of the Christian scene that's behind a project like this one?
Thanks for the comedy, Mr Herlong!
Reminds me of:
The time the old lady in Orgazmo (1997) said: "You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul-soliciting pig-fuckers." Okay, well it doesn't exactly remind me of that but I do think of that scene fondly whenever I feel people come on too strong.
I can't remember if I cried:
Byron Herlong had better not quit his day job as a computer guy because his actin is outrageously hammy. He played a French character in this movie as if he went all out to make the world hate everythin and anythin French.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
"Whoa... You mean you only cheated... IN YOUR HEART?!?!"
I quite like how the end credits rolled but your capacity to enjoy or rather, to finish this movie, would pivot on your tolerance of unapologetically didactic Christian content. If you can't even get past the first of many scenes in which a Bible verse gets quoted, then just fast forward to find out the endin. However, in doin so, you'll miss out on the bit where they manage to take a swipe at psychics. Haha. Check out its Facebook fan page for more info.1/2
Bonus material:
"O Lord! Show me the way to a better casting agent!"

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