Assassination Games (2011)

"Will you stroke my pet tortoise? Will you, please?"
At a glance:
A tired genre addition featurin the Muscles From Brussels® Jean-Claude Van Damme and British hardman Scott Adkins (who replaced another British hardman - Vinnie Jones) while JCVD's daughter Bianca Van Varenberg a.k.a. Bianca Bree has the easiest role ever - a comatose wife. About two hitmen who get in each other's way as they go after the same contract. The criminal circus unfolds mostly in Bucharest, Romania. Adkins looks meaner since battlin Matt Damon in The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) and apparently he'll be paired with JCVD again in Universal Soldier: A New Dimension (2012) and The Expendables 2 (2012). JVCD himself, well he looks as charismatic as ever, only that the years are really takin its toll on his face now.
I have the sexiest shoulder blades in all of Romania.
Bad news on the doorstep:
A pro hitman who plays the violin, hangs fine art on his wall and keeps a pet tortoise that he tries hard to connect with - how many more times do we have to endure the stereotype of a sentimental contract killer? Ugh.
Perennial wonderment:
Do you remember a certain Marija Karan, busty dark-haired Serbian siren? Here, she plays a random whore who gets beaten up badly and gives monologues about "gettin out of the life". She was apparently in The Rite (2011) with Anthony Hopkins too but I can hardly remember that movie. I think she was the mother of the possessed child.
Reminds me of:
"I'm a movie star. It's true."
A hundred other films before it with the same plot.
I can't remember if I cried:
When Van Damme decides to let the whore into his life because she manages to coax his tortoise out of its shell by strokin the right spot. A romance of the ages right there.
Most memorable line:
People choose their deaths when they choose their lives. Very true if you chose this DVD.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Two and a half stars for finishin strong at least. Can be fun if you keep your expectations low enough.
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:
Polish poster for Assassination Games (2011)
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